What I get: | What I want: |
So as always, I did a little digging, and found that in order to have all options show, you need to have the privilege: Save System-Wide Column Formats. What's even better is that out of the box, this privilege is assigned to no one, so you can't even set it!
Continue on to read what I did to allow me to enable the setting for BI Administrators, and finally gain access to all the treat text as options.